Worship.

My boyfriend and I are studying “With My Eyes Wide Open” the latest book from Brian Welch. We’re only on chapter 5 at this point but there is one thing that has stuck in my head so far. This guy was the guitar player for KoRN, one of the number one bands at the time. He walked away from a life of drugs and rock to follow Jesus. Anyone can say that’s cool. I mean really. Who wants to be a drugged up mess? But this guy also walked away from a contract worth millions of dollars because he knew it wasn’t what God wanted for his life at that point. He said no to everything the world had to offer on faith alone. That’s what’s smacked me hardest at this moment. Has your faith ever been that strong? So strong that you looked at what the visible world had for you and you said no. That’s not enough. I want more than this for my life. I don’t think there are many people who have done something like that. This morning I started my day off with my Christian music playlist, the first time I’ve opened it in months. I heard a song that took me back to when I was a little girl and living my everyday in the most real depression. I remember standing in church absolutely alone and singing this song. I remember crying real tears, not because I was sad, but because that was the only time in the world that I didn’t feel empty. I remember I’d stop going to church, I’d stop talking to God, and I’d always feel that same feeling of peace and love when I’d finally go back. This morning in my bed, not a church, I had that feeling again. Not because of the song, but because I prayed when I started the playlist. Asked God to be here while I worshiped. At the start of this book my boyfriend made a joke that’s stuck with me. He said, “we check our bank accounts everyday. When was the last time we checked our faith accounts?” It made me laugh when he said it, but it’s completely true. I’m sure you have a million things to do today. You’ve got kids. You’ve got work. If you’re me you’ve got kids, work, a school paper, and a dog that needs food too. God easily gets bumped to the background because he isn’t going to cry for your attention like your 4 year old or your hungry dog. But I can honestly say at this moment, having started my day with worship, I’m more peaceful than I’ve been in a long time. Studying this book has gotten my boyfriend and I talking about faith more in the last 5 days than we have in the last year. If you give God your time, you’re the one who wins. I’m making a commitment here today to start my days off with God in worship. Start my day in this world right. 

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Faith in progress.

I am a Christian. I believe in God and Jesus. God is a real part of my everyday. I don’t doubt the power of God in my life. I believe with my everything that my life is not mine to plan, but part of a much bigger picture. I believe this. Well, I say I believe this. I believe I believe this most of the time. You know, until things get difficult at which point I get insanely control freaky and I start PLANNING! WORRYING! My boyfriend and I are compatible in most every way. He and I are an incredible team. We parent the children as a team. We take care of our life as a team. One of the only areas we conflict in is my worrying. I tend to over worry about our finances most often. When I worry, I go one of 2 ways. I get pissed, or I shut down altogether. Worried Harmony is not a good team partner to have. She is not a good mom. She is not a good friend. Quite honestly, she sucks hugely on every level. I KNOW this. Even though I know this, I still worry every time something comes up. This month for example, I have 2 weeks of unpaid vacation. I spent the last 2 weeks stressing out over this. I laid out an unreasonable budget for my boyfriend no less than 209 times. I stress my poor stepdaughter out with my worried, sucky, Harmony attitude. I had nights with my boyfriend where I refused to even speak to him. Not because things were bad, but because I was angry with him for not worrying with me about a possible time in the future when things may be difficult. How incredibly stupid is that? So yesterday I got paid. I made A private decision not to worry about the money situation. I prayed over my check when I got it, handed it to my boyfriend and committed not to worry about it. My not worrying about it equated to me telling my boyfriend I wanted nothing to do with the money situation for the rest of the month. “You deal with it. I’m not worrying about it.” I don’t think that’s exactly what he’s been waiting for me to realize. Mostly because he knows me way better than that. He knows I am incapable of not worrying about things. I can talk a lot of game about how I’m not going to worry while continuing to worry extra hard. Today I got a smack me in my doubting, worried, stupid human heart moment. A few months before I got my job, in the middle of my worrying I posted a bunch of stuff on EBay. I was going to be an EBay super seller and NEVER worry about money again!!! And then only 2 of my things sold. After I got my job I no longer thought about the EBay stuff. I let all my posts expire. Today I got a message enquiring about one of my expired posts. This item ended up selling today for exactly the amount that I won’t be making at work the next 2 weeks. What does this mean? This means that all my worrying was absolutely pointless. This means I’ve waisted days of our lives being a B word to my family for absolutely no reason. This means that God took care of us, like he always has, like he always does, even though my faith is CLEARLY a work in progress. I’m writing this as a public thank you and apology to God for being an idiot most of the time. And as a reminder to myself for the next time I want to slip into the worrying mindset. I am not the boss of my world and I don’t want to be. God can take care of us much better than I ever could. No matter how much I worry.                

You can have it all!

You can have it all!

I spent most of my life convincing myself I couldn’t have the things in this life that I wanted. When I was a teenager I told myself I couldn’t go to school because no one was helping me. I told myself I wasn’t smart. I was just a stupid little girl and I couldn’t do anything to change it. When I turned 18 I had a hysterectomy because I refuse to pass my genetic cancer on to an innocent baby. I spent the next 4 years telling myself that I’d never have a child. “Some Harmonys don’t get those things.” I believed I wasn’t worth loving, so I dated guys who were incapable of loving me. Then I cried when they didn’t love me. I told myself I couldn’t write well, so I never finished my stories. I told myself I couldn’t play piano, so I stopped practicing. I told myself no every single day. I knew moments of happiness. Laughing at jokes. Finding silliness in the kids I watched. My default mode though was sad. Dark. Down. I was an incredibly quiet and shy girl. I got away with that much longer than I should have because of my blindness. When you are blind people naturally overlook you. You have to stand up and demand to be noticed as more than an object of pity. I didn’t believe I deserved respect so I didn’t ask for it. “Some Harmonys don’t get those things.” People made me nervous. Life scared me. I didn’t know how to become more than just a character in other people’s stories. Tonight I’m sitting here with my step daughter sleeping in my arms and her daddy sleeping in our bed. I sang her to sleep with the song I wrote, and finished, for her and her daddy. On the shelf next to us is my high school diploma that I received last month. Tomorrow I will get up and go to the job I got because I didn’t quit looking when everyone I spoke to said they couldn’t have me watch their kids because I’m blind. At work tomorrow I will play with not only my work kids but the neighbor kids too. They’ll be outside waiting to play as soon as I come out, because I’m good at my job and they want to have fun with me. I’ll say hello to their mom who I know because I wasn’t to shy to have a conversation with her last week. After work I’ll go to my stepsons soccer game, then I’ll have dinner with the love of my life. I’ll have all of these amazing moments, and it’ll be just another Friday. Because it turns out, this Harmony does in fact get these things. I get the life I always wanted and never thought I could have. I get to be the girl I never thought I could be. I can stand confidently in a room of people and not feel like less than everyone else. I can go to the store with my eyes out and not feel like a freak. I can be myself and not apologize for it later. I can have it all. My life won’t be perfect everyday, but it’s mine and I love it absolutely.