People have asked me if I’m ever angry with God over the loss of my eyes. It always seems vaguely funny to me, that question, because I never have been. Many many people have stopped me to pray for my eyes. I used to get very frustrated and angry about that. When I was a teenager, that prayer felt like a personal attack. I’m fake eyes blind. And not that God couldn’t heal that if it were his plan for my life, I’ve just never felt that it is. It felt like these strangers were saying, there’s something horribly wrong with you! Maybe if we all ask, God will fix you. As I grew up, got more comfortable with who I am the anger with these helpful, sweet, well meaning people faded. People who weren’t blind from a young age can’t accept that I’m okay. They need to try to fix me. I can understand that. I used to try to fix people in other ways too. I’ve never been angry with God over the things that hurt me. Because the things that have hurt me most in my life have been clearly my doing. I found a peace this last year that I’ve never known. I learned to let go, and ask my God for strength. I learned to say thank you for who and what I have. I realized something deeply tonight. It’s something I say often, it’s something I honestly believe. I am blessed. Tonight, the absolute beauty of my life hit my soul. The love and hope and happiness I get to have is so huge sometimes it’s overwhelming. Being healthy, having the children I have in my life, having a good relationship with all of my siblings, having friends who truly love me. All of this, my God has given to me. My life is not perfect. Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m broken. But I’m always, always, every moment thankful to God that I get to experience it all.
A lot of my blind girl moments happen in the airport. Here in Las Vegas where I live, several of the airport assistance know me by name. Let me explain a little bit about blind girl airport travel. When I walk in I can ask for airport assistance. This means a person comes and helps me through security and to my gate. This takes about 20 minutes usually. 20 minutes isn’t very long. But if you’re stuck, completely dependent on someone who is being down right rude, it’s long and uncomfortable. I had 2 unpleasant airport experiences last week. One leaving Vegas, and one leaving Phoenix. Here in Vegas the airport assistant, who didn’t speak english well got angry with me because I didn’t want to sit in the wheelchair. Here’s the conversation. Airport asshole. “You get in wheelchair now.” Me, calmly and quietly. “No thank you, I can walk. I just hold your arm.” Airport asshole. “No. You sit in wheelchair.” Me, a bit annoyed. “No thank you, I can walk.” Airport asshole. “Why not? You sit in wheelchair. It’s easier.” Me a little angry now. “No thank you, really. I’m not sitting in that wheelchair. I can walk. I just hold your arm.” Then the airport asshole walks through the airport with me. Not telling me when we’re going through doors. Not telling me when escalators are coming. Not saying a word to me until I’m almost to my gate. Then he says. “I help another man last week. Same like you.” Me, completely pissed off. “What do you mean same like me? Blind?” Airport asshole. “Yes. Same like you. Him not get in wheelchair either.” I didn’t reply to this. I got on my plane and made it to phoenix. Then in phoenix another airport assistant who didn’t speak english well tried to make me sit in the wheelchair. He did walk through the airport less angrily than the first guy. On the way home I dealt with 2 very rude people. First security mother fucker. Security mother fucker to my friend. “Can she do that?” Referring to the body scan. Me. “I can if you tell me how to stand.” Security mother fucker talking to my friend again. “Well can she do it?” Me. “I can, but someone has to tell me how to stand.” Security mother fucker, addressing my friend a third time. “Well I guess she can’t do that.” Then he waved us through the metal detecter. This made me angry because I was standing there. I was answering questions. I can hear, I can talk. There is no need to talk to my friend about what I can or can’t do if I’m answering you. More than once. It’s very frustrating to be completely ignored like that. Now gate agent bitch. My boarding pass said gate a 18. My friend and I went to gate a 18. When someone came I went up to tell them I have to be helped to pre board. Me. “hello. I’m blind. I’m going to Las Vegas, I need pre boarding for this flight.” Gate agent bitch. “You need to go to gate a 24.” Me. “My boarding pass says gate a 18, and I didn’t hear a gate change announcement.” Gate agent bitch. “There are screens right behind you. You can read them.” Me. “No, I can’t, I’m blind.” Gate agent bitch. “You need to go to gate a 24.” This again is very frustrating. Because no, I can’t read the screens that I didn’t know were there because I can’t fucking see them. Usually little things like this don’t bother me. But it’s a lot to have them happen, and happen, and happen again. Things could be so much easier if people could just not be rude. I decided to take a deep breath, and let it all go. Because these are blind girl moments. These things happen to me. But so do amazingly beautiful things like the concert last weekend. So I’ll choose to focus on the positive. And smile, and say please and thank you, even to the airport assholes.
I’ve been to Blue October concerts before. I’ve even been to a Blue October concert with my Carmen before. This weekend though was something extraordinary. Carmen and I flue to Dallas from our separate parts of the world. We saved our money and planned our plans and we made it happen. I got to meet so many of the people I’ve talked to from the Facebook groups. As a general rule, I don’t do well with people. I get shaky and nervous. I get quiet and I try to not call any attention to myself. I try to just be without anyone looking at me to closely. At the concert Friday night none of that applied. I was just me. I was me with people who know me and accept me. It’s this overwhelming feeling of being loved. That doesn’t happen to me very often. I don’t get that kind of peace with other people. I couldn’t be more thankful for the absolutely beautiful people I get to call my friends. I thank God every day that my life is exactly what it is. The concert was simply breath taking. I’ve never been to a show with such amazing energy. I feel like I don’t have enough words for this. All I can say is I am beyond blessed that I got to be a part of such an incredible night, and that I got to share it with such wonderful people. Thank you all for being who you are.